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The Absolute Worst I Saw In 2012

Dishonorable Mention: The Campaign, This Means War, Wanderlust

05chronicle-blog4805. Chronicle

Originally, I thought this was going to be an American attempt at the British hit TV show, Misfits. Unfortunately for audiences, it wasn’t 1/1000 in quality. The over-done “found footage” approach was given some originality and turned out to be the best part of the movie. A hilariously anti-climatic ending capped off the tale of what happens when you give an emo kid superpowers.

TED-TV-Trailer_00004. Ted

The movie itself isn’t as offensive as the amount of money it made. Seth MacFarlane has changed modern humor and it certainly is not for the better. The absolute lack of effort and overwhelming amount of ego this man puts into his work has supplied a generation with a brand of “comedy” that I will never quite understand. Ted is a shining example of this. I just didn’t find the appeal and was grateful when the credits began to roll. Then again, MacFarlane is a millionaire and hosting the Oscars… So, yeah, I’m the asshole.

project-x3. Project X

The American film industry is in a sad, sad state when something like this is not only released but does quite well for itself. This hour-and-a-half long music video filled high schoolers heads with majestic thoughts of “the ultimate party.” Sorry to break it to you, kids, but shit like this doesn’t happen on the reg. Trust me, the best parties you can have involve a Twister board, a bottle of Jäger, and a copy of Major Payne on VHS. Try barking up that tree before you watch this rot again.

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2. This Is 40

Judd Apatow’s seven-hour epic features no likeable characters and #FirstWorldProblems that, should, have its audience showing absolutely no sympathy to the family they are watching. Add in the overwhelmingly voyeuristic, narcissistic nature of what you are watching (Judd Apatow sitting behind a camera and directing what he perceives as his own life, casting Paul Rudd as himself) and I don’t see how this is much of a step above a Vincent Gallo film. keving

1. We Need To Talk About Kevin

Proof that you can have a great cast (John C. Reilly, Ezra Miller, Tilda Swinton) but turn it to utter shit with writing. Synopsis: This Damien from The Omen type kid is born. The dumbest parents in the history of the universe raise him; all the while his mom is the only one who sees that he is evil. He shoots up red flags all over the place (including permanently injuring his little sister) and his pops writes it off as “boys will be boys.” During this time he becomes a master archer because why the fuck not give some crazy little shit weapons? Honestly, I’m not making it sound as bad as it is. Then comes the grand finale… Spoiler: HE SHOOTS UP HIS HIGH SCHOOL WITH A BOW AND ARROW. Bar none, one of the dumbest movie endings I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. I’m all for art being subjective (for Christ’s sake, I love pro wrestling), but this is one piece of it that I will never understand and people have tried hard to get me to.

Top 10 Movies of 2012 will be out tomorrow.

-Alex

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